Studio711.com – Ben Martens

In the fall semester of 2001, I had the privilege of taking a Constitutional History class from Professor Teaford.  I hope that one day you'll get an opportunity to meet this man!  The following are just a few of his memorable quotes.  It's not the same as seeing him in person, but hopefully they'll be good for a few laughs.

• If a president's popularity rating goes down, don't we like to bomb people?
• This is a nation where cows lounge in front of the state capitol building.
• Would you like it class? No! Because I'm obviously a lunatic!
• If I was president of congress, would I show up? Yes! I might get on a coin or something! I'd spend my nights coming up with cute little quotes.
• New Hampshire has always been cheap. Their state motto is "Live Free or Die" and they mean it literally!
• If someone marched in here and said we should seize a federal base… where's a federal base around here? The post office! Stamps!
• Tyranny! Well aren't you concerned? No? Maybe because it's Friday.
• Woohoo Hoosierland! The number one state in the Union! The home of … what famous person is from Indiana? No one? Drew Brees! No! He's from Texas. Well he went to school here.
• California's just a bunch of druggie surfers.
• Those people in the back of the room are lethargic and un-American!
• Those people back then would have loved this lecture. I wish they were here.
• Haven't you been in classes where you graded your own homework? I have. And didn't I cheat? Yes! Well it was trig and you never finish trig homework.
• Wouldn't it be an honor to serve on the Supreme Court with the nephew of your idol? Who's your idol? Me!
• He's a nice guy. Just don't touch his nose.
• These are yellow because the guy who made the slides thought the harsh contrast between black and white would hurt your eyes. It makes me want to puke.
• I've been in Lafayette for 26 years. Have I seen much change? No! Well, we got a second Wal-Mart.
• That's why I wear loose clothing – so I can be more dynamic! Also my father is one size bigger than me.
• $86 for a startup fee?!? What a gip! Those Verizon people are living in big houses and driving around in limos. Do they have chalk on their suits? No!
• I think her desire to be at other people's funerals sustained her forever.
• Paranoid people think the boogey man is after them. Well he could be!
• Have you ever been to Levee Laundromat? Don't people come in with pickup trucks full of laundry and 12 children? They're probably stealing clothes from the machine. Ooo, this looks nice. I think I'll wear this one!
• Do we care about beauty in Indiana? No! Throw those pop cans on the side of the road. This isn't Michigan!
• In this land of liberty, should you have to find freedom through UPS?
• Look at Charles Sumner's head. See how it's cracked there?
• Have you ever heard of Franklin Pierce's birthplace? Well I have. But did I have to wait in line? No! Because he was nothing!
• Maybe some people who didn't have good history in high school don't know how this turns out. "Well, Coach never told us what happened."
• Are there many opportunities for 84-year olds. Well he could work at Wal-Mart. That would be great! We could go to Wal-Mart and see Chief Justice Taney. Well that's where I'll be in a few years.
• I've taught this class for a million years but it's the first time it has ever been relevant.
• I throw my bottles in the dumpster. I feel bad. Well the guy on the bike goes in and gets them. I'm helping the poor guy. He ought to ride his bike to Michigan!
• If you can't remember the name, just scribble.
• Hunnington, IN where they eat apple pie and love their mothers. What else do Americans do? The Dan Quayle museum is there!
• You're going to end up dead. Well I guess we all are.
• I had a great-grandfather who fought there… don't know what he did. He probably ran.
• I like rednecks. Let's go to Covington!
• You want a secret? Even I have gone over 65 on the highway. I once got up to 67!
• Well I feel bad now because I always think you guys are on drugs or something but you've actually been working hard.
• I wonder what rich people eat at breakfast.
• There are no refunds once you're dead.
• If you don't want risk you should lay in the bath tub with a bath mat over your head. Well that's the safest place in case of a natural disaster… assuming there's no water in there because then you could drown.
• Every time I go through Danville, IL I think there must be a radiation dump there. The people all look so weird.
• I don't have to worry about anthrax. I never get any mail. Any package would be strange.
• Have you been up to that McDonalds on Northwestern? Well nobody here works there right? Nobody there works!
• I guess you haven't been reduced to reading the obituaries to see what jobs might be open.
• My father never brought home anybody famous. He just brought home Big Ruth. She taught us card games and the fast shuffle. She was our babysitter. Well if you hang out in the bars you meet interesting people.
• Geometry never changed from the time of Euclid to the time of my old geometry teacher. Actually she was so old it was about the same time.
• Sometimes I see people and I hope they are on drugs. Otherwise they are in a horrible state!
• "The best things in life are free!" There was a song about that. The guy who wrote it made a lot of money off of it.
• The drought was so bad that the cactus died!
• Well you're Canadian. You don't care about liberty!
• We gotta review this week so that means I have to repeat everything 12 times.
• Are paranoid people very productive? Well maybe if you threaten them.